A Phoenix Rises

Some survivors make it through the fire of recovery and emerge as if reborn; others do not. Some endure the truth which emerges from their memories, despite the pain; others remain entrenched in denial that anything happened. Many survivors take their pain out on themselves, perhaps by succumbing to self-destructive addictions, physical ailments, or outright self-harm; others take their destructiveness to an extreme, and actually kill themselves. Suicide has been called an ultimately selfish act; but it is not the selfishness of pride and superiority: it is the selfishness of utter self-loathing. For some, they just can't take the pain. Still others turn their rage outward, and harm other people. Oftentimes, an abuser was abused themselves, as a child, and carries on the legacy into the next generation. The point I am trying to make is that there are as many ways of coping with abuse, and healing from it, as there are survivors.

Myths About Survivors

Survivors are just whiners.I have covered this myth in another page; but I wish to emphasize that every survivor I've ever known is a remarkably strong, resilient, and creative person. They have to be, in order to have made it through the abuse in the first place. It is certainly possible to get caught up in victim mode, especially when faced with something one doesn't really want to face, and to get "stuck". And yet, somehow, every living adult who was ever abused has managed to make it through their childhood experiences by exercising a great deal of creative ingenuity. Inevitably, some of the coping mechanisms which enable victims to survive their abuse turn out to be a mixed blessing later in life: maybe they're still alive, and mostly intact, but they've got some behaviors and habits that don't do them any good anymore.

We are accused of whining when we exhibit those behaviors, and sometimes (ironically) when we enter therapy in order to try and undo them. For anyone who thinks we're just whining a lot: give us a break, why don't you? Survivors go through a lot. The fact that we're alive at all is a testimony to our ability to deal with abuse that might have been horrifying in its degree. Give us a break: we're trying to put our lives back together, and give ourselves some semblance of the contentment which people from healthy families seem to experience. So have some compassion.

Survivors aren't emotionally stable. Some are, some aren't. There are certain disorders which can become manifest in a survivor which might make it seem like they're out of control. On the outside, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder might seem like the person suffering from it is nuts, or might flip out at any moment. But a ruling of emotional stability is best made by a trained professional: a counselor, psychiatrist, doctor, or some other mental health professional. If you think that a survivor you know is in crisis, go ahead and call the local crisis line -- but leave the diagnoses to the shrinks.

Survivors are dangerous. Again, some are, some aren't. The vast majority of us are just fine. We won't hurt you. And we most likely won't repeat the abuse. Some people do, it's true enough. And those who do are often in deep denial about their own experiences. But by and large, most survivors don't end up being serial killers or armed robbers or sexual predators. We have other options. And most of us know that childhood abuse isn't an excuse to commit a crime.

Survivors are crazy. This is another myth which is best left to the realm of mental health professionals. It can often seem to the rest of the world that survivors are nuts -- maybe a survivor is clingy, depressed, has suicidal thoughts, or maybe they're addicted to drugs, or maybe they injure themselves, or have an eating disorder. Maybe they have no self-esteem, and keep asking if people love them even though they've been told a thousand times or more that they are loved. Maybe they can't get out of bed some mornings, or they jump at every loud noise, or they wake up screaming in the middle of the night because of terrible nightmares. Or maybe they have body memories so badly that they can't be sexual with anyone. Maybe they even have multiple personalities. All of these are certainly "crazy" behaviors. But, by and large, most survivors are not clinically insane.

Perhaps the best way to explain why survivors aren't nuts is to point out that the real insanity lies in the abuse itself, not the victim. The abuse was insane, was crazy, was evil, and caused a crazymaking situation for the victim while they were experiencing it. Left to their own survival instincts, victims find whatever means they can to live through it -- and in the end, their coping mechanisms become a normal response to an insane situation. Insane situations produce insane behaviors -- but not insane people.

Survivors should just get over it. I might ask here, what does "just get over it" actually mean? What does it mean to a survivor, in particular?

I know what "getting over it" means for me, and it isn't something I can just do. Years of abuse take years of healing. Sometimes it's two steps forward, one step back. Sometimes, the memories and issues aren't prominent in your life at all, and sometimes they're overwhelming. There are different stages of healing from it, and sometimes you cycle through those stages over and over again, on different levels. It isn't a straight path, by any means. But for me, "getting over it" means that the abuse will have become a part of my life, just as important as any other part, and will not dominate my time and energy any longer. For me, "getting over it" means that my abuse will be as much a part of me as anything else about myself -- my marriage, my happier memories from life, my career, my friends, and so on. The abuse will always be there. But someday I hope to be alright with that.

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