These are the only three letters I have left from the relationship with Ken. (The rest were destroyed long ago.) Oddly enough, they have provided me with concrete reminders that I was indeed abused; during times of doubt, I can read them and remember the truth.
For a little context... the first letter was written to me during a time when Ken was considering breaking up with me. I don't recall the reason. On the surface, the letter appears to be fairly constructive, appearing to demonstrate a willingness to work on the relationship for the better. However, the line imploring me to "try harder" is key to what was really going on. Events surrounding the letter found Ken attempting to manipulate me into behaving kindly to him by threatening me with a breakup, albeit in the guise of keeping my best interests in mind.
He wrote the second letter in response to some argument we had over something I needed to do at school during lunchtime; I don't remember the specific "business" I needed to do, but it may well have been that I wanted to get myself some lunch (as related in Chapter One). At the time, lunch period was often the only time during the day when I could take care of school business; nor do I remember any point at which he and I agreed that lunch was "our time". His claim that I expected him to "follow me around" was also completely unfounded.
The last letter was given to me after I had told Ken of an event in which some classmate of mine had been fascinated by the glitter on the back of a shirt I possessed, to the extent that he rubbed his hair in it. (This story is also outlined in Chapter One.) After I related this little anecdote, Ken's response was to accuse me of liking it, encouraging it, liking the guy, letting him get away with it, and so on. In the actual letter, there are some spots where Ken was so angry that he pressed the point of his pencil almost through the page, he was writing so hard. His accusation that I hurt him via my passivity during a fleeting, random event that I did not expect, could not predict, could not prevent, and really wasn't that big of a deal in the first place is absolutely outrageous.
Perhaps sometime I'll actually scan in images of the original letters; for now, I'll just leave them as text.
Maia,
Why don't you find someone else?
I don't like the way we relate to each other. We keep having the same problems as we've always had. Is it ever going to change? I love you very much. I always will. Loving you just makes it hard for me to break up with you. I have suffered a lot of pain in this relationship. I am sure you have too. I don't like it. But I love you. What should I do?
If you think I'm an ass-hole, why do you go with me? I don't want to do this but I think I should leave you. Not because of you but because of us and our relationship.
If you don't want to lose me then you will have to try harder at being friendly to me and considerate of my feelings. I will do the same unto you.
I know we have broken up & gotten back together many times. This is different. I will find someone else if we break up. I may not love her, but I will make sure she is someone with whom I am compatible.
You and I are not compatible. (Sexually we are, mentally we aren't.) That is not to say that we cannot be. It is just that we must try harder.
I do not want to lose you. I think I probably should for both your and my benefit. I believe we should discuss this with each other. Can you come over this week? Or we could meet somewhere sometimes soon. If not we will just discuss it on the phone. (blah.) Let's get it together Maia. I love you. That's what makes this so hard.
Maia,
I thought we would have the opportunity to spend lunch together today. (That was my reason for choosing to have 2nd lunch on Thursday & Friday.) You should have taken care of your "business" at another time. Not on our time. I really get very irritated when you do things like this. You expect me to follow you around all the time; or at least a lot of the time. I'm not a dog, Maia. I don't follow, I lead.
Tentatively yours...,
Dearest Maia,
It's amazing how quickly one can be put in a bad mood. You especially have a knack for making me feel bad. What you said was extremely unnecessary. I don't believe you said what you did with the intention of trying to make me feel bad. What I am angry and upset about is the fact that you let people do things like that. Can you honestly say that you wouldn't be upset if I told you of a similar incident in which some girl was feeling on me? I don't think so. I can presume that you will say you wouldn't mind but I know that if it really happened, you would mind. It's not that I don't want you to tell me about it. I don't want you to do it!
I know how upset you get when I tell you of incidents I've had concerning other girls. It works both ways.
I am aware that this was a small incident but it really annoys
me that you would let someone do that. You probably
didn't tell him to stop. I think you are a bitch if you didn't.
How long did he rub your back Maia? I'd really like to know. And,..
Because I promised to tell you, I am very disappointed in you.
Very Disappointed.
I wonder about you sometimes but I love you nevertheless. Now, be a
good girl and stop hurting me or it all going to fall
on you. Verstehen Sie? -- K.W.
Ich habe ein gutes minden zu gefällt und nicht gehe aus. Dieses
ist meine khläßen.
I will translate this for you later if you are unable to do so on your
own. It should not be much of a problem if you say the words aloud and
think of the english words with which they best corrolate.