I used to say that this page was still under construction, but I think it's kind of pointless to mention it -- isn't everybody's webpage under construction? I also used to say that there wasn't much here, but that isn't true anymore. There's plenty of stuff here. Okay, maybe there's not as much stuff here as I'd like there to be, but hey -- nobody's web page is ever finished, right? Same thing goes for mine.
However, circumstances of late have compelled me to completely reengineer the content and structure of these pages, which is a fancy way of saying that I've remodeled them up the yinyang. These pages are currently devoted primarily to the subject of healing from abuse of all kinds: physical, sexual, ritual, and emotional (yes, emotional abuse is real, and yes, it does "count"). Abuse and recovery are both subjects which directly concern me and countless other people I know, both friends and family; as well as being a difficult and dangerous subject which most folks would much rather sweep under the rug.
March 11th, 2002
I first began writing these pages in 1994. It was my final year in college, the 'Net was still relatively new, and I was only just realizing the truth about having been abused. I wrote these pages for two reasons. The first being that I wanted to write about what happened to me. I wanted to get it out of me and into the world. I wanted to tell people, so that the experience wouldn't just lie hidden in me and fester anymore.
The second reason was that most of the abuse I had been through was the intangible kind -- that is, it was psychological, emotional, and verbal abuse. While I was processing my own experience, I found plenty of information on tangible forms of abuse (physical and sexual), but very little on the emotional side of things. What sources I found did acknowledge that the emotional damage done is devastating; but in our highly materialistic culture, we tend to disregard those things about ourselves that we cannot see and touch. Consequently, there just wasn't much out there. So I created these pages to add to the info. I created these pages to say, yes, this sort of thing is in fact real, and yes, it counts, and yes, it happens all the time.
I recently read these pages again, and realized that if I had to tell my story again now, I would probably tell it differently. It would not be a different story, but it would come from a different perspective. Over the past 7 or 8 years I've done a lot of internal work and healed a lot of my shit. Every so often there are areas that I feel the need to work on again; but for the most part, my abuse experiences are no longer at the front of my mind. I don't find myself spending the energy dealing with them any longer.
None of this means that I have forgotten what happened; nor does it mean that the abuse experiences aren't a part of me. They are; they always will be. But when I wrote these pages, it seemed like "abuse survivor" was the definition of who I was. I've come to understand that this is normal when a survivor first deals with their memories and experiences -- for a time, the pain is almost all-consuming. When the truth of your life opens up, it's as if the floodgates burst, at least for awhile. Dealing with the trauma is the primary issue in your life.
But time passes, and we heal. I am much more than what happened to me. I always have been. If someone asked me to tell this story now, I might only relate it in a few sentences. If they asked for the details, I'd probably tell them. But this is no longer the driving force behind my life.
However, just because I feel relatively healed from what I went through, that doesn't mean that I believe my story is irrelevant. What happened doesn't go away just because I learn how to deal with it. Just because I may be thriving now, that doesn't mean that other survivors are there yet. And just because I am not being abused now, that doesn't mean that emotional abuse is gone from the world.
So I leave these pages up just as they are, because I know there are still people out there being abused. There are still people out there being hurt. There are still people out there who don't know that abuse can be intangible, that words can hurt, that you don't need to be hit to be abused.
A NOTE ABOUT EMAIL: If you contact me through these webpages, I will read your mail. I can't promise a response; much of the time I'm just not able to reply. But I do see every single piece of mail that comes through this site, and if I am able to respond, I will do so personally (no obnoxious "I've received your email" form letters!).
That said, read on, and I hope you find what you are looking for.